A Thursday morning. Early morning. I could not sleep. I had an arguement with my girl friend. I could not sleep. Turned on my WinAmp into the Classical channel, I hear this beautiful voice singing Celtic songs. It was so beautiful beyond words can describe. Beyond imagination of how beauty can be so wonderful. Physical beauty ? Not. It is a sense of serenity that I long to find, in my every day life.

Though mum has graciously loaned me the amount of money required to pay off my credit card, still day by day living has not increased in quality. What is missing? I slog like a dog every day, come back to my house. Meet the gal that I loved. And ended up argueing with her.

I could not but think where is the life more abundance that Jesus promised? Some times things like this rock my faith. Of what is real and what is not. Everything expected of me , I try my best, to the point of dying , my tired body never rest. And yet, to find one so ignorant about her love ones feelings. I could not understand at all. Is that love?

Is that love when you do not know what your partner is thinking at all? Is it love when you dont even want to be at peace with one another and discuss solution, but keep on insisting one's ways?

I dont claim I am the 'guru' of love and its philosophy. I learn as I love. I love as I live. And yet, this never ending self sacrifices mostly crashes my faith, and my definition of what love is.

Am I missing something Lord? Am I missing another dimension in life? Where thou is my wisdom? I lack therefore I should ask. To live life not knowing lady wisdom could be well dangerous and not finding peace in mind. A wise man sleeps tonite knowing the authority and hierarchy given. But for one man to live in the peace and orderly that God has commanded, does not the surrounding has to live by these rules too? Pardon me if no one on the Internet who reads this does not understand what I have just written. I tried very best to understand too.

A voice in my heart tells me, if life is meaningful and happy, one day is all that is required. I seems to be missing this one day so badly that it eludes me. What is love if there is only self sacrifice and she does not understand at all the dept of my thought and the reason of my ways. The devil , she accuses me of listening to. I am not all that sure if they are here as I write. But I do want to know where are my angels spoken by God. They should be here with me too.

The songs have changed. I have loved her with all my heart. Till this day I still do. My love for her could only be perfect in heaven where all things are perfect. That means everyone else should not be there. The source of bitterness and arguement is attributed to many things. Beyond the reason of any comtemporary mind book could explain, I would say.

Thank God for such insight. Else I would have regarded myself as insane.

The more I write, a little bit more relieved I felt. There is no one here to ease these pains and burden. I know she must have felt the same heart ache. It would brutal for her to get this from her loved one. Since her design did not have a hardened shield like mine. And yet the harder my shield , the deeper it hurts, by itself pains cry out. It seeks attention. It seeks loving kindness. It seeks selfless unconditional love of God. It seeks the gratification of the heavenly's.

And yet on earth, there is only the earth's sweet and sour sort of consolation. We dry our tears and continue the next day. There are the days we hide from ourselves. Just like Adam and Eve did. There are the days , we put on leaves, to cover ourselves that no one may know what is underneath.

Yet, God knows. God hears them. God knows every cry and pain. Every hurt and sorrow. Every longing heart of His son's coming. That the pain staking work of the emotions could well be at eased and harmony with the surrounding.

No more pain...

Joshua