What I hoped for in my previous post , didn't happen. Needless to say there were disappointments and frustrations and the lost of hope in the midst of all these. It took me sometimes to regain that courage to write to myself again in this blog. It is an interesting thing how man or women could not live life without hope, without hope people perish.
I thank God that He knows us better than we know ourselves and that all is well in His time.
Good night everyone who reads.
Joshua
Friday, September 29, 2006
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Its waiting time....
Have you ever waited upon the Lord for so long, that when it was time that the Lord told it the answer, He said , wait another 3 days ?
That is how we have been. My girl friend and I have been waiting upon the Lord for her scholarship results. Which could change the path way of our life. We've been working in our homeland for 3 years (my gf) and 7 years (for me) . Somehow, our debts got larger, and we dont seems to be able to have a life which allows us to have more time to spend together. The routine to work and back to home. It is around 8 PM when we finish dinner. We can't seems to afford much but just using our every month's salary to pay off bills after bills.
About half a year ago, we have decided that we would venture out of our country and make a career oversea. So she has decided to further her studies overseas. She is really good with what she does. She likes research. Whenever I see her work at the lab, I am so amazed that she could put the reagent into the small little tubes with such accurate precision. Even her bosses her impressed by her research efforts. By God's grace, she got an offer from 4th Top Ranking University on earth... =). But it cost a bomb to study there. Well, the Lord has His ways , even in these things that we as man always think God is not able to. In fact, God's hand has been with us all through this 6 months. (of course , all the other times too)
Well, how do we get a bomb to pay for this studies? Surprisingly , weeks after the offer letter, a big corporation in our homeland published in the newspaper that they are offering scholarship. My gf was informed by her friend that there is such a scholarship. So she applied for it. If not by His grace, she would not have been called for interview. The panel actually made a few filter of criteria before calling for interview. First filter, the applicants got to be 28 - 30 years old (my gf 28) . Second filter was that the offer has got to come from a list of 6 university only . She got her offer from one of the university on the list. She made it for an interview out of the 2000 applicants. There were only five selected. Isnt this a miracle?
During the first interview, God has impress upon the hearts of the interviewer, that she would be someone they are looking for. Though she spoke English unlike other English speaker, still God has allowed it, so that we may know God does miracles!
Miraculously she was called for the second interview with the board of directors of the company. Somehow Abba managed to make the first interview panel members, whom my gf saw as a threat to become on her side on the day of the second interview. Even before the interview on that day , God has "open" the roads to the interview venue. There was never a time that road will not have traffic congestion during peak hours. What can I say, I saw the Lord working in the midst of man.
The second interview has been completed 2.5 months ago. After our long wait, finally a registered mail came for her. But she wasnt around to accept it. We had to wait till Monday.
Well, that is the exciting part of it. The answers finally revealed, and we will finally see our life's path , moving out of barren land, and into a more stable , less hectic environment.
I hope you will be as excited as I am
That is how we have been. My girl friend and I have been waiting upon the Lord for her scholarship results. Which could change the path way of our life. We've been working in our homeland for 3 years (my gf) and 7 years (for me) . Somehow, our debts got larger, and we dont seems to be able to have a life which allows us to have more time to spend together. The routine to work and back to home. It is around 8 PM when we finish dinner. We can't seems to afford much but just using our every month's salary to pay off bills after bills.
About half a year ago, we have decided that we would venture out of our country and make a career oversea. So she has decided to further her studies overseas. She is really good with what she does. She likes research. Whenever I see her work at the lab, I am so amazed that she could put the reagent into the small little tubes with such accurate precision. Even her bosses her impressed by her research efforts. By God's grace, she got an offer from 4th Top Ranking University on earth... =). But it cost a bomb to study there. Well, the Lord has His ways , even in these things that we as man always think God is not able to. In fact, God's hand has been with us all through this 6 months. (of course , all the other times too)
Well, how do we get a bomb to pay for this studies? Surprisingly , weeks after the offer letter, a big corporation in our homeland published in the newspaper that they are offering scholarship. My gf was informed by her friend that there is such a scholarship. So she applied for it. If not by His grace, she would not have been called for interview. The panel actually made a few filter of criteria before calling for interview. First filter, the applicants got to be 28 - 30 years old (my gf 28) . Second filter was that the offer has got to come from a list of 6 university only . She got her offer from one of the university on the list. She made it for an interview out of the 2000 applicants. There were only five selected. Isnt this a miracle?
During the first interview, God has impress upon the hearts of the interviewer, that she would be someone they are looking for. Though she spoke English unlike other English speaker, still God has allowed it, so that we may know God does miracles!
Miraculously she was called for the second interview with the board of directors of the company. Somehow Abba managed to make the first interview panel members, whom my gf saw as a threat to become on her side on the day of the second interview. Even before the interview on that day , God has "open" the roads to the interview venue. There was never a time that road will not have traffic congestion during peak hours. What can I say, I saw the Lord working in the midst of man.
The second interview has been completed 2.5 months ago. After our long wait, finally a registered mail came for her. But she wasnt around to accept it. We had to wait till Monday.
Well, that is the exciting part of it. The answers finally revealed, and we will finally see our life's path , moving out of barren land, and into a more stable , less hectic environment.
I hope you will be as excited as I am
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Thank God for this new job
At times, things couldn't come until the timing is right. Today I will be starting new job in a new company, who is also paying me 30% from my last company, Galaxy. It is a sad story to find that comfort zone taken away, without being given 1 day notice or something.
But this is how God deals with our heart's plague and complacency. Still, as God continues to shape and mould us, He will never short change us in anyway, for this is our Abba Father, whose kindly and compassion surpass all understanding of man.
I know , if I keep staying in Galaxy, I will never get a raise high enough to keep up with my debts, or pay for the bank instalment for my new house. But truly God is good. He prepares for me a job at a new place which gives me higher salary, so that I can meet what is to come , according to His timing and will
The job will be tougher than the last, the hours spent will be longer. But as Paul says in the context of tenthmaking, if he does not work he does not eat. Even tenth makers have such a high standards, I dont think we are any less in our "calling" to work hard for our daily bread.
Thank you Abba, for this work. I believe that if You have the might to put me into this company, You will give me the strength to deliver my daily deliverables.
Amen
But this is how God deals with our heart's plague and complacency. Still, as God continues to shape and mould us, He will never short change us in anyway, for this is our Abba Father, whose kindly and compassion surpass all understanding of man.
I know , if I keep staying in Galaxy, I will never get a raise high enough to keep up with my debts, or pay for the bank instalment for my new house. But truly God is good. He prepares for me a job at a new place which gives me higher salary, so that I can meet what is to come , according to His timing and will
The job will be tougher than the last, the hours spent will be longer. But as Paul says in the context of tenthmaking, if he does not work he does not eat. Even tenth makers have such a high standards, I dont think we are any less in our "calling" to work hard for our daily bread.
Thank you Abba, for this work. I believe that if You have the might to put me into this company, You will give me the strength to deliver my daily deliverables.
Amen
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Thank God for His perfect timing
I can't stop myself what has been taking place for the past 20 days. On the 18th July 2005, our Vice President called us into the meeting room and told us, that we (the company) is closed effective NOW. Imagine being laid off like this. The worst part of it all, is that, there was no compensation from the management at all, not even for the 18 days we have worked there.
So suddenly it felt that the end of the world is here. To think that I have just ordered a new car, and that all my bills will due end of the month / beginning of next month, is just a feeling too scary to say. I guess if you are like me , having net loss in accounting every month, not having any money to pay for bills at all is really a scary thing.
However, I still rejoice in the goodness and the grace of God. Why? It feels like that God already know what was coming. He already plans ahead for His children. I truly felt privileged that He cares so deeply for me and shows me His compassion in times of needs.
1.) Before all these takes place, a few weeks back, a friend of a friend called, and wanted me to design and host their website. It isn't like they dont have a nice one. They do. But somehow , they wanted one they can update things themselves. So ok... how do I go see them? I am tied up 9-6 in office. I also dont quite like the design work, because it takes too much time for a Photoshop beginner like me to get anything good coming.
So I said, if you want me to do this website, I will do it remotely. I dont want to waste my time going to your office, because travelling takes time and expenses. I also do not want to do the visual design. Go choose one in template monster and give me the code, I will get things started if you agree with these terms.
Never in my professional life did I ever made this kind of demand before to a paying customer. Come to think of it, they are also paying quite a lot too. You can consider this to be one of the top 5 projects in terms of project sum. I also never expect them to come back after I lay down such conditions.
Miraculously they did, and made the down payment! So ... this project will finish off soon, and I will have some money to chew on after company closure.
2.) Before this, about a year ago, I created a customer loyalty system for an MNC. They are quite big. I went in together with a business partner. I provided technical solutions, our partner do the sales and user talk. I remember this quite clearly because I just got employed full time by this closed company and I had a part time developer who passed away 3 months after project hand over.
This business partner called up and said, the MNC wanted version 2! Surprising. So even though I dont quite wanted to take up the work, but I had a feeling I should. So I took it up anyway, this almost became a point of quarrel between me and my gf. But it didn't. Surprising too. She ask me to go ask God if I am doing the right thing. I know now that it is...
So this project is also coming to an end. This will also sustain me for a month or so.
3) Both the wages for project in 1, and 2 hasnt come yet. So how? As of this morning, I took out the last 200 bucks I had in my bank account. Nothing left. But I have this confidence that God will always get it right. He will never starve me... He never do that. In fact I gained quite a few points ever since me and my gf got together.
But this afternoon, an express mail came. I opened it. To my joy, it was the money I have requested pay out from one investment program I joined. Most of the people would call me a nut to join this kind of surfing-the-net-and-get-paid program. But I did what I think was ok, which doesn't hurt other people, which doesn't cause me to miss my mark in God. So I have poured in some capital. About 2 months of my salary. This month, almost 1 month of my salary amount came back as payout. This will come every month for 9 more months!
I am so thankful that all these things are in place, hence I could relate to Psalm "though i walk thru the valleys of death... you were there" Something like that.
I am just so happy to see that I am safe and secured in His hands. Indeed I am privileged to be called His children. Thank you Abba. Amen
So suddenly it felt that the end of the world is here. To think that I have just ordered a new car, and that all my bills will due end of the month / beginning of next month, is just a feeling too scary to say. I guess if you are like me , having net loss in accounting every month, not having any money to pay for bills at all is really a scary thing.
However, I still rejoice in the goodness and the grace of God. Why? It feels like that God already know what was coming. He already plans ahead for His children. I truly felt privileged that He cares so deeply for me and shows me His compassion in times of needs.
1.) Before all these takes place, a few weeks back, a friend of a friend called, and wanted me to design and host their website. It isn't like they dont have a nice one. They do. But somehow , they wanted one they can update things themselves. So ok... how do I go see them? I am tied up 9-6 in office. I also dont quite like the design work, because it takes too much time for a Photoshop beginner like me to get anything good coming.
So I said, if you want me to do this website, I will do it remotely. I dont want to waste my time going to your office, because travelling takes time and expenses. I also do not want to do the visual design. Go choose one in template monster and give me the code, I will get things started if you agree with these terms.
Never in my professional life did I ever made this kind of demand before to a paying customer. Come to think of it, they are also paying quite a lot too. You can consider this to be one of the top 5 projects in terms of project sum. I also never expect them to come back after I lay down such conditions.
Miraculously they did, and made the down payment! So ... this project will finish off soon, and I will have some money to chew on after company closure.
2.) Before this, about a year ago, I created a customer loyalty system for an MNC. They are quite big. I went in together with a business partner. I provided technical solutions, our partner do the sales and user talk. I remember this quite clearly because I just got employed full time by this closed company and I had a part time developer who passed away 3 months after project hand over.
This business partner called up and said, the MNC wanted version 2! Surprising. So even though I dont quite wanted to take up the work, but I had a feeling I should. So I took it up anyway, this almost became a point of quarrel between me and my gf. But it didn't. Surprising too. She ask me to go ask God if I am doing the right thing. I know now that it is...
So this project is also coming to an end. This will also sustain me for a month or so.
3) Both the wages for project in 1, and 2 hasnt come yet. So how? As of this morning, I took out the last 200 bucks I had in my bank account. Nothing left. But I have this confidence that God will always get it right. He will never starve me... He never do that. In fact I gained quite a few points ever since me and my gf got together.
But this afternoon, an express mail came. I opened it. To my joy, it was the money I have requested pay out from one investment program I joined. Most of the people would call me a nut to join this kind of surfing-the-net-and-get-paid program. But I did what I think was ok, which doesn't hurt other people, which doesn't cause me to miss my mark in God. So I have poured in some capital. About 2 months of my salary. This month, almost 1 month of my salary amount came back as payout. This will come every month for 9 more months!
I am so thankful that all these things are in place, hence I could relate to Psalm "though i walk thru the valleys of death... you were there" Something like that.
I am just so happy to see that I am safe and secured in His hands. Indeed I am privileged to be called His children. Thank you Abba. Amen
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Found the title bar settings =)
I wonder why they did not fit a title section for this blog template. I miss putting up a title. But I like this template very much. So how do you weigh which is more important.
Life is all about choices, the choices you make and the choices you forego. How will you ever know which is the right one? And if whatever you forego is really something you should have, or not? I lived in these choices many times, and sometimes these thoughts haunt me. But every since a few years back, I dont feel that any more. I dont find myself, questioning myself "What if I did this instead of..." .
The bible puts these things in a very universal perspective. "All things work for the good of those who love Him". Simple versese like these make me think a million times what it really sum up to. Which if you put it down to lay man's term, it could simply mean, no matter you go left or right, you will still end of to where your Father wants you to go. (I am just thinking, maybe one road will be longer as compared to the other).
Anyway, I dont get myself stuck in that though anymore. I come to accept that even with this lost of primary income, I guess these things work for the good of those who love Him. Thanks Abba. For these that have to happen that I may grow to know you more.
Life is all about choices, the choices you make and the choices you forego. How will you ever know which is the right one? And if whatever you forego is really something you should have, or not? I lived in these choices many times, and sometimes these thoughts haunt me. But every since a few years back, I dont feel that any more. I dont find myself, questioning myself "What if I did this instead of..." .
The bible puts these things in a very universal perspective. "All things work for the good of those who love Him". Simple versese like these make me think a million times what it really sum up to. Which if you put it down to lay man's term, it could simply mean, no matter you go left or right, you will still end of to where your Father wants you to go. (I am just thinking, maybe one road will be longer as compared to the other).
Anyway, I dont get myself stuck in that though anymore. I come to accept that even with this lost of primary income, I guess these things work for the good of those who love Him. Thanks Abba. For these that have to happen that I may grow to know you more.
12.43 AM. I sit here wondering if this blog is read by anyone. If not, then is a good thought. The thing about the Internet is that people (like me) and talk crap and remain anonymous about it.
It is one of those time that I lost my income... again... due to dot com bubble burst. I must say, these are again, critical times of life, where I need to spend more time praying rather and reading the bible. haha... how I miss the mark sometimes to remain thankful for His providence and consistently going back to him to seek greater things.
My gf always said that I am this arrogant person who doesn't want to rely on God on anything and everything. I used to think so too. But I changed. I can't say I am totally not what she said I am, but I think the degree is much less now. I am back in where I was, but this time, I dont worry that much. As I ask myself, what do I have today that I did not receive from God. Nothing , all is from Him. That I may not boost about anything...
So now, I lost my primary income. But thank God, there is something coming from my secondary income. Been doing some small websites thanfully. And how sometimes I wonder that God prepare us for these things to come. I never really went and sell myself to get some websites jobs like this. As always , clients or prospects call up. Never know where they got my phone number from as well.
And third income from hosting? That is pretty minimum. It is yet to break even. Hmmm.. and forth income from a program I joined not long... ST. Well, at least these are still some good buffer to think what to do next.
I guess one of my biggest mistakes in life, is that I never stop and ask God what He thinks about it and tell me what I should be doing next. I love that feeling. I recall doing that when I was in my secondary school. There were times I did not finish studying for my exams. I must admit, I am not the most hardwarking in class either. But thank God that as I learned to submit to Him for direction, He gives me more inspirations in exams.
So now is back to the basics. Remove the schedule, remove the conflicts with my gf , remove the expectations from her parents, remove the pressure of needing to pay for bills, remove the pressure from head hunters to go for interviews, remove the compulsion to just click "Apply Online" on every job site that I come to see, remove the fear of wanting to apply and update my resume when I come to these job sites, remove the pressure from datelines of website project, remove the sadness that so hinder prayer life, remove the slothfulness to commit to God in prayer and petition....hmmm what's left now ?
I guess what is left now, should be pure and holy heart to commit myself to a decent time of reflection, prayer and hearing from the Lord, and reading of His word as well.
Thank you Abba, for the privileged to be called your childern.
Amen
It is one of those time that I lost my income... again... due to dot com bubble burst. I must say, these are again, critical times of life, where I need to spend more time praying rather and reading the bible. haha... how I miss the mark sometimes to remain thankful for His providence and consistently going back to him to seek greater things.
My gf always said that I am this arrogant person who doesn't want to rely on God on anything and everything. I used to think so too. But I changed. I can't say I am totally not what she said I am, but I think the degree is much less now. I am back in where I was, but this time, I dont worry that much. As I ask myself, what do I have today that I did not receive from God. Nothing , all is from Him. That I may not boost about anything...
So now, I lost my primary income. But thank God, there is something coming from my secondary income. Been doing some small websites thanfully. And how sometimes I wonder that God prepare us for these things to come. I never really went and sell myself to get some websites jobs like this. As always , clients or prospects call up. Never know where they got my phone number from as well.
And third income from hosting? That is pretty minimum. It is yet to break even. Hmmm.. and forth income from a program I joined not long... ST. Well, at least these are still some good buffer to think what to do next.
I guess one of my biggest mistakes in life, is that I never stop and ask God what He thinks about it and tell me what I should be doing next. I love that feeling. I recall doing that when I was in my secondary school. There were times I did not finish studying for my exams. I must admit, I am not the most hardwarking in class either. But thank God that as I learned to submit to Him for direction, He gives me more inspirations in exams.
So now is back to the basics. Remove the schedule, remove the conflicts with my gf , remove the expectations from her parents, remove the pressure of needing to pay for bills, remove the pressure from head hunters to go for interviews, remove the compulsion to just click "Apply Online" on every job site that I come to see, remove the fear of wanting to apply and update my resume when I come to these job sites, remove the pressure from datelines of website project, remove the sadness that so hinder prayer life, remove the slothfulness to commit to God in prayer and petition....hmmm what's left now ?
I guess what is left now, should be pure and holy heart to commit myself to a decent time of reflection, prayer and hearing from the Lord, and reading of His word as well.
Thank you Abba, for the privileged to be called your childern.
Amen
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Praise be to God, my brother found a job. He is currently working as an IT Manager. Many challenges lies ahead for him, but God is good, all the time. And all the time , God is good!
Got to say, he has jumped two step in his career. He is now more of management, sales and kind of enterprising as well.
Joshua
Got to say, he has jumped two step in his career. He is now more of management, sales and kind of enterprising as well.
Joshua
Today, not many people is in the office. I wonder where they are . Everyone seems to have an agenda of their own, those who are not in the office.
I started out IvoxLAB with John, then IvoxONE and now IVOXInside. Things are not moving very fast. I dont suppose I can do much about it as my time is really limited. To some extent, it has become exhaustive. Every single day, not able to make things go, creates the kind of frustration that motivates me to give up rather than go on.
IvoxONE is created to allow customer to find all they want and need from us. All from ONE place. IVOXInside was an never an idea, it was rather a physical server I needed in another datacenter to ensure I can provide the best uptime and services possible. Server down time was not an option for web hosting business. To ensure continuous availability, another server is another datacenter was need.
I picked One Wilshire in Los Angelas, because the server provider , the management never failed to impress me with their speed and performance. So now I have their services.
Then again, at present all these servers are liability rather than income. I must make them into income real soon. A residual income.
I started out IvoxLAB with John, then IvoxONE and now IVOXInside. Things are not moving very fast. I dont suppose I can do much about it as my time is really limited. To some extent, it has become exhaustive. Every single day, not able to make things go, creates the kind of frustration that motivates me to give up rather than go on.
IvoxONE is created to allow customer to find all they want and need from us. All from ONE place. IVOXInside was an never an idea, it was rather a physical server I needed in another datacenter to ensure I can provide the best uptime and services possible. Server down time was not an option for web hosting business. To ensure continuous availability, another server is another datacenter was need.
I picked One Wilshire in Los Angelas, because the server provider , the management never failed to impress me with their speed and performance. So now I have their services.
Then again, at present all these servers are liability rather than income. I must make them into income real soon. A residual income.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
A Thursday morning. Early morning. I could not sleep. I had an arguement with my girl friend. I could not sleep. Turned on my WinAmp into the Classical channel, I hear this beautiful voice singing Celtic songs. It was so beautiful beyond words can describe. Beyond imagination of how beauty can be so wonderful. Physical beauty ? Not. It is a sense of serenity that I long to find, in my every day life.
Though mum has graciously loaned me the amount of money required to pay off my credit card, still day by day living has not increased in quality. What is missing? I slog like a dog every day, come back to my house. Meet the gal that I loved. And ended up argueing with her.
I could not but think where is the life more abundance that Jesus promised? Some times things like this rock my faith. Of what is real and what is not. Everything expected of me , I try my best, to the point of dying , my tired body never rest. And yet, to find one so ignorant about her love ones feelings. I could not understand at all. Is that love?
Is that love when you do not know what your partner is thinking at all? Is it love when you dont even want to be at peace with one another and discuss solution, but keep on insisting one's ways?
I dont claim I am the 'guru' of love and its philosophy. I learn as I love. I love as I live. And yet, this never ending self sacrifices mostly crashes my faith, and my definition of what love is.
Am I missing something Lord? Am I missing another dimension in life? Where thou is my wisdom? I lack therefore I should ask. To live life not knowing lady wisdom could be well dangerous and not finding peace in mind. A wise man sleeps tonite knowing the authority and hierarchy given. But for one man to live in the peace and orderly that God has commanded, does not the surrounding has to live by these rules too? Pardon me if no one on the Internet who reads this does not understand what I have just written. I tried very best to understand too.
A voice in my heart tells me, if life is meaningful and happy, one day is all that is required. I seems to be missing this one day so badly that it eludes me. What is love if there is only self sacrifice and she does not understand at all the dept of my thought and the reason of my ways. The devil , she accuses me of listening to. I am not all that sure if they are here as I write. But I do want to know where are my angels spoken by God. They should be here with me too.
The songs have changed. I have loved her with all my heart. Till this day I still do. My love for her could only be perfect in heaven where all things are perfect. That means everyone else should not be there. The source of bitterness and arguement is attributed to many things. Beyond the reason of any comtemporary mind book could explain, I would say.
Thank God for such insight. Else I would have regarded myself as insane.
The more I write, a little bit more relieved I felt. There is no one here to ease these pains and burden. I know she must have felt the same heart ache. It would brutal for her to get this from her loved one. Since her design did not have a hardened shield like mine. And yet the harder my shield , the deeper it hurts, by itself pains cry out. It seeks attention. It seeks loving kindness. It seeks selfless unconditional love of God. It seeks the gratification of the heavenly's.
And yet on earth, there is only the earth's sweet and sour sort of consolation. We dry our tears and continue the next day. There are the days we hide from ourselves. Just like Adam and Eve did. There are the days , we put on leaves, to cover ourselves that no one may know what is underneath.
Yet, God knows. God hears them. God knows every cry and pain. Every hurt and sorrow. Every longing heart of His son's coming. That the pain staking work of the emotions could well be at eased and harmony with the surrounding.
No more pain...
Joshua
Though mum has graciously loaned me the amount of money required to pay off my credit card, still day by day living has not increased in quality. What is missing? I slog like a dog every day, come back to my house. Meet the gal that I loved. And ended up argueing with her.
I could not but think where is the life more abundance that Jesus promised? Some times things like this rock my faith. Of what is real and what is not. Everything expected of me , I try my best, to the point of dying , my tired body never rest. And yet, to find one so ignorant about her love ones feelings. I could not understand at all. Is that love?
Is that love when you do not know what your partner is thinking at all? Is it love when you dont even want to be at peace with one another and discuss solution, but keep on insisting one's ways?
I dont claim I am the 'guru' of love and its philosophy. I learn as I love. I love as I live. And yet, this never ending self sacrifices mostly crashes my faith, and my definition of what love is.
Am I missing something Lord? Am I missing another dimension in life? Where thou is my wisdom? I lack therefore I should ask. To live life not knowing lady wisdom could be well dangerous and not finding peace in mind. A wise man sleeps tonite knowing the authority and hierarchy given. But for one man to live in the peace and orderly that God has commanded, does not the surrounding has to live by these rules too? Pardon me if no one on the Internet who reads this does not understand what I have just written. I tried very best to understand too.
A voice in my heart tells me, if life is meaningful and happy, one day is all that is required. I seems to be missing this one day so badly that it eludes me. What is love if there is only self sacrifice and she does not understand at all the dept of my thought and the reason of my ways. The devil , she accuses me of listening to. I am not all that sure if they are here as I write. But I do want to know where are my angels spoken by God. They should be here with me too.
The songs have changed. I have loved her with all my heart. Till this day I still do. My love for her could only be perfect in heaven where all things are perfect. That means everyone else should not be there. The source of bitterness and arguement is attributed to many things. Beyond the reason of any comtemporary mind book could explain, I would say.
Thank God for such insight. Else I would have regarded myself as insane.
The more I write, a little bit more relieved I felt. There is no one here to ease these pains and burden. I know she must have felt the same heart ache. It would brutal for her to get this from her loved one. Since her design did not have a hardened shield like mine. And yet the harder my shield , the deeper it hurts, by itself pains cry out. It seeks attention. It seeks loving kindness. It seeks selfless unconditional love of God. It seeks the gratification of the heavenly's.
And yet on earth, there is only the earth's sweet and sour sort of consolation. We dry our tears and continue the next day. There are the days we hide from ourselves. Just like Adam and Eve did. There are the days , we put on leaves, to cover ourselves that no one may know what is underneath.
Yet, God knows. God hears them. God knows every cry and pain. Every hurt and sorrow. Every longing heart of His son's coming. That the pain staking work of the emotions could well be at eased and harmony with the surrounding.
No more pain...
Joshua
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